Ch.2
losing my religion
it took me a long time to really let go of wanting to go to church and worship and pray. ”you can still have faith and believe with out all the hangups and chains you know”. ”i know but i dont think i am going to the church celebration today”.
”i am not asking you to get sucked in or believe anything they say but today is thanksgiving and no one should be alone. i am catholic and the church has a special mass on thanksgiving and you should come with us”. ”nah i think ill pass, besides i am cooking and i really want to be at home to eat”. ”alright lula, well i offered you and you said no, ill call you tonight before i get home”.
at home i wasnt alone because my cousin amy was visitng with me. ”i wish you would let me tell my mom and grandma i am here in nashville with you”. ”i know amy but i cant risk being bombarded by questions and another beating for insubordination”. ”its that bad”. ”yes amy and so much more then you even know”. ”well at least let me tell my mom and dad, they love you like you are there own daughter and i know they wont make you go home”. ”well alright because i am not goin, i have rights and i am over 18 if i dont want to go home i dont have too”. ”i know but you should be surrounded by family and the people who love you”. ”nah they dont give a shit about me, they dragged me back home because the pastor couldnt keep his lips zipped about new york”. ”what did you do i new york”. my cousin amy didnt know about new york. ”remember when i was in the fancy music school up there”. ”yes i remember you rebeled and went to julyard and then you came back i never understood why”. ”because i met a boy there a very handsome boy, we were moonlighting in a big fancy play that is how i was able to afford this place, and we got close so close that we did missionary work together and the pastor knew my dad and called him. so i stayed with the boy in the city at his place and we made love and touched and kissed and it was so beautiful and i loved him and i know he loved me and when i went back to the dorm mom and dad were there with elders from the church and they dragged me back home, i was home for a few hours quarentined until i had to do the 90 cleanse and confess my sins, i did but truth is i liked being with him and i miss him so much i still want to be with him”.
amy sat down, ”why didnt you tell me this before”. ”because it hurt me so badly that after the cleanse, when i came home i still wasnt happy. i would cry every night because i just wanted to feel safe in his arms so they sent me to isreal to do work with the church, that is where i found my freedom and i knew when i came home it wouldnt be to tonitown, so now you can call your parents”. ”ok i will we wont tell anyone i promise you”.
my aunt dina my the sister of my father jim bob and grandma duggar her mother my grandma came to the house within 3 hours. ”oh lucy we missed you are you alright”. ”yes grandma i am fine, thank you for comming and promise me you wont tell my mom and dad you saw me or where here because i dont want them to find me”. ”i wont tell anyone as long as i know your safe, but this is a nice play you got here”. ”thanks grandma, now you sit down and get comfy i dont want you to have to work or do anything”.
amy set the table because the ham and all the trimmings were ready to eat.
in l.a john was with his family. ”so john tell us what happened with that girl we met during the show she just left abruptly have you seen her she was so sweet, i saw her family on t.v they dont seem to know what happened to her either”. ”no mom i dont know, but if i did she would be here with me, because i really miss her alot”. ”i am sorry john i didnt know you felt that way about her”. ”can we not talk about lucy right now please my heart is broken and it always hurts me the most around this time of the year”. ”what happened with lea though i liked her too”. ”she wasnt lucy and couldnt fill the void in my life”.
”hi lucy did you bring me anything”. ”i sure did heaven, how are you did you have a good thanksgiving”. ”yes the best i got to see my sister and we at our lunch together”. heaven was a little black girl i befriended at the children shelter, kids that didnt have a foster home and couldnt find placment lived here. ”did you get to see your family and friends”. ”yes i was with my aunt, and my cousin and my grandma”. ”oh that sounds like fun did you eat alot”. ”sure did and then collapsed froma food induced coma at around noon”. ”i wish i could have been there to see it lula”. ”really” ”you could be my big sister”. ”i could i suppose, but i thought that maybe you’d like to come and live with me for a little while and see how that goes”. her eyes opened wide and her mouth went round. ”really, i am going to your house”. ”yes i already set everything up and i made up your room and got you some nice pretty dresses and things you can wear and i thought we could go home and watch gone with the wind”. ”no silly the wizard of oz”. ”oh ok sounds good to me, let’s go home”.
we cuddled together in my room where the big t.v was and watched the wizard of oz surrounded by food and snacks. we fell asleep on my bed and it was my idea of the perfect day.
”lucille duggar”. heaven said sitting on the bench of the piano, ”yes but you can call my lula like jack and everyone does”. ”can we start a youtube channel”. ”youtube”. ”yeah were we make videos and post it on our channel”. ”i dont know lula maybe we shouldnt do that, i mean what do we say what do we do”. ”anything we want to do lula, we can be princesses at the ball or we can be charlie’s angels or we can show our daily lives here in nashville”. ”ok heaven you win, let’s get the camera”.
”come on lula this is our intro this is the lula and heaven show”. heaven said dancing in her cinderella dress. ”i am heaven and this is my foster mom lula, we live in nashville and i am 6 years old. welcome to our show”. heaven did the intro”. our first ”show” was me and lula going to the park. ”were at the park today, with saffron our dog”. i said into the camera, while me and heaven ran and played in the park on the merry go round.
it was so much fun getting to do all of these things. ”were back home now and were going to bake some cookies for later and i am going to teach heaven how to make strawberry jelly, i already have the mason jars in boiling hot water”. ”tell them that we are going to the macy’s thanksgiving day parade in new york”. ”we sure are heaven, and were going to see lots of balloons and some broadway shows”. ”yes on monday were going to see wicked, on tuesday were going to see chicago, on wed were going to see hairspray on thursday were going to see the million dollar quartet where i learn the history of rock n roll and then friday were going to see jersey boys”. heaven said so exicited. ”tell them who we are going with”. ”our friend jack and his wife karen and their kids scarlett and hank”. ”yes we are going with our friends and we are going to have a great time. i bought heaven some really pretty clothes and things to wear, in new york because its really cold there. i mean its cold and snowing here in nashville too and things but new york is super duper cold”.
”ok now we put the sugar, pectin and strawberries all together in the water so they can cook down and soon it will be jelly, but dont touch those jar because its really hot”.
we loved playing around and showing our adventures on the camera.
2011 was right around the corner, but as me and heaven walked with jack and karen around new york city, we made it to the jersey boys theatre. ”wow”. ”yes we have to pick up our tickets so we can see the show”. heaven let go of my hand to look at the pictures on the wall including one of me, john and the rest of my jersey boys. ”hey that looks just like you, you have brown hair lula look”. ”heaven get down from the chair your a little girl”. ”but look take a picture of me here look that looks like you”. the woman behind the counter said ”are you lucy duggar”. ”yes”. ”i have something for you, a telegram from clint eastwood”. ”it is you mom look at you that dress is so sparkly”. i picked heaven up in my arms and scooted the chair back into the table. ”thank you so much”. ”hey one more thing”. ”sure” ”this”. she gave me a cd, i couldnt tell who it was at first but when i looked down at the picture i noticed it was my john.
i looked down at the cd and took a deep breath, ”love believes”. ”it sure does, i miss you so much”. i whispered ”let me see it mom”. heaven said as i handed her the cd. ”can we listen to it”.
dona miller wasnt a runner, but this moment she was running fast to find john who was in the recording studio in l.a ”john, john i had to come”. ”dona what is it your all out of breath are you alright”. ”i just got an intresting call from the jersey boys gift shop”. ”yeah”. ”someone picked up the clint eastwood telegram”. ”what, that is specifically reserved was it her”. ”i dont know i didnt get any information but if it was she knows about the movie”.
”dear miss duggar
i dont know if this message will ever find you but i know sometimes everyone has to go home for a visit so i sent it to the jersey boys theatre. anyways i am writting you to let you know that i am going to be directing a jersey boys movie, i have already cast christopher walken and john lloyd young, if you are intrested i would like for you to reprise your roll as victoria duvalle in the film. please call me at home or at my office at your earliest convience and we can discuss the details”.
”i am so excited mom to be seeing this show tonight do you think they will remember you”. ”no i dont think they will heaven, but you know what its still a great show to see and you are going to like it alot”.
at the show in our seats with jack and karen, heaven was singing and dancing to all of the songs, she had heard from the cd. ”this is so much fun mom”. ”are you having a good time”. ”uh huh the best, mom can we wait outside to get a picture and autographs”. ”no heaven because we have a very early plane to catch and we need rest, because you have a hard time waking up”.
the buzz on the jersey boys movie was roaring around hollywood, i had already been told i had gotten the part and mr. eastwood was finishing up a few other projects before he would begin work on our film. a complete cast list had been released to everyone in the production and i saw everyones name expect for one. ”victoria duvalle not cast t.b.d” my heart sank again i felt so low and small again, like we were being torn about from each other like that night in the dorm.
”mr. eastwood,
hi this is lucy duggar, i got you telegram from the theatre i accept your proposal for the film version of the jersey boys but, i want to surprise everyone so can you not tell anyone i have already been cast in this film”.
”you have my word thanks so much lucy and i will see you soon”.
but in nashville it was work work work as usual, jack was working on new music his first solo album entitled blunderbuss. ”come on lula, get in this picture for the thirdman vault”. jack said getting me into the frame so we could snap a photo.
”heaven is comming on the tour with us jack”. ”i have something to tell you before we leave”. ”yeah jack”. ”karen and i are getting a divorce, were throwing a party”. ”i dont know how i feel about this jack, i am sorry”. ”its alright you didnt cause it dont be sorry, i just wanted to tell you so you wouldnt be surprised”. ”well i have some news, my dreams are going to come true soon and things might be totally different when i come back”. ”from where”. ”the jersey boys movie”. ”what when do you start filming”. ”we start filming soon, i havent gotten the official details but i know its happening and i cant wait, it means mercury’s in taures and the moon will be in the 7th house”. ”i cantt wait to see it but let’s get this tour on the road”.
blunderbus was released in november of 2012, a full years work of blood sweat and tears. so much work and love went into that record. i was growing up and so was heaven because christmas of 2012 was a special time for the both of us.
”all rise for the honorable judge davis”. heaven and i stood up from our chairs in the courtroom. today was the day that everything became legal and i would be her mom forever. we took pictures with the judge and then went home to decorate for christmas.
”the tree is so big”. ”i know, let’s get the train set up around it”. heaven and i set up the train around the christmas tree and then set all the presents we bought for everyone and each other under the tree.
”now we sit on the couch and oogle it”. ”i cant wait to open all of our presents”. ”me neither heaven, but are you scared about going to l.a to be on the movie set with me”. ”no mom, because i think this movie is going to make you so happy”. ”do you think this movie is going to make me happy”. ”yes i know because i can tell you miss someone”. ”quit it”. i said prentending to be shy. ”but first we have to write uncle jack a note for all the nice gifts he got you for christmas and you can take it to him tomorrow before we leave”.
at thirdman records jack was in the office when we arrived. ”i thought you were leaving”. ”we are in about 3 hours, but we wanted to say goodbye to our thirdman family and jack”. i said to swank who gave us both a hug as we walked through the coridor.
”hey, i thought you were getting ready to leave”. ”we are on our way to the airport but we wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful gifts and things you gave us for christmas, and the caters comming over to serve us christmas dinner was stellar too”. ”well your welcome, i dont have anyone to spoil for this christmas so i thought i would spoil you for all the hard work you have done here for me and everyone for the past three years”.
”well we will see you when we get home in about 3 months, i am so excited about the film jack”.
the production company got us a very nice apartment in l.a over looking the beach. ”this is the best mom thank you for bringing me”. ”of course but for you its not going to be all fun and games, because you still have to do school work they email for you”.
”still no word on victoria duvalle yet huh”. ”no she maybe starting the first day of filming, john i know you want to see lucy but you may have to let it go because its slowly killing you”. ”i cant and i wont you werent there so let it go”. john said sternly to a friend who didnt know what had happened. he was already dressed in his red jacket.
on the side of the warner brother studio, lucy and heaven were in the dressing room. ”look at your dress mom its red”. ”sure is daughter, i cant believe how pretty it looks it feels like i am stepping back out onto the stage for the first time in nearly 10 years, but you are going to sit on the side of the stage and your going to be good while i make this movie right kiddo”. ”sure mom, really quiet like a church mouse”. ”great come on heaven”. i took a deep breath and walked through the set in my costume, ready to regain the exposure that had been denyed me for so long.
my first day of filming, i had the red dress on but at the last moment i was told to take it off and change into something different because i was going to do the street scene first.
heaven was on the set sitting in the dinner and i was outside talking to michael the big fat guy with the nice coat on. and freya who plays francine. ”your going to walk into the diner, john is going to say thank you johnny, and then he will look right at you and you will see alright i am going ill be at the house call me later”. ”ok i think i got it”. i already knew the dialouge from saying its a zillion times before but i wanted mr. eastwood to get a positive reaction, because it was going to rain so we couldnt film outside.
clint yelled action and michael opened the door. freya went inside first, then michael and then me. i was completely hidden from the frame by michael until we got to the table. ”thank you johnny”. ”allright frankie, i am going to be at the house call me”. then i leaned down and kissed john. but the look on his face and my face said it all. ”lucy”. he broke character and said my name, i had already turned around and was about to walk out of the frame when i turned around and said ”john”. my face had years of sadness and torment hidden in this one moment when we finally meet again.
i turned around and said ”john”. he comes over to me and takes my hand. ”lucy duggar”. ”yes john its so great to see you again”. he pulls me into his arms once again i feel safe and loved so deep and unbroken. i take a deep breath and ricprocate the hug. ”i missed you so much how are you”. everyone is staring at us and wondering what is going on right now. ”i am doing good how are you”. ”i am good really good, i am so happy to see you this has been 5 years in the making”. ”sure, i have never forgotten you john”. ”neither have i”. he looked amazing in his costume and his wig i was really checking him out. ”can we have a minute please mr. eastwood”. ”sure clear the set everyone”. excpet for heaven who was sitting at the bar in a swivel chair.
john took my hand and lead me outside, heaven followed and john spoke first. ”let me see you, you look so different”. ”well i am in 70’s clothing and my hair is so big right now”. ”hows life tell me what you have been doing with yourself”. heaven came over and put her arms around me when i said to john. ”there is someone i want you to meet, this is my daughter heaven”. ”your daughter, but she doesnt look”. ”he was trying to do the math in his head”. ”she’s adopted and have given me meaning in my life for being so lonely all of these years, i havent been steady with anyone since you”. ”nor have i, and i tried so hard to let it go but after all of this time my heart still yearned to see you and hold you is there a chance”. ”yes there is a chance because my heart has wanted you in it for all of this time”.
”lucy let’s not waste another moment talking, because if we do it will only waste the precious time we have together”. ”what are you saying to me john”. ”i swore to myself and everyone if i ever got to see you again, i would do the right thing and say to you my life is empty and void without you, will you marry me”. i smiled and jumped into his arms and said ”i have waited to hear you say that to me for the passed 5 years, and yes i will marry you, and the sooner the better”. ”yay mom, i knew it”. john kissed me so deeply and passionately and held me so tightly in his arms we forgot we were on a movie set in the middle of the warner brothers lot.
”why are we running” heaven asked me while we ran to the exit to get out onto the street. ”were going to get married”.
”i now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride”. we jumped into each others arms and kissed so freely, ready to tackle the world together. walking out of the courthouse john hugged me so tightly while i held heavens hand. she was estatic to figure out what was happening. ”let go back to the set and make a movie”.
back on the set everyone had no idea we had married each other except for the producers and everyone who know had to change the name on promotional materials to lucy young.
”about 4 years ago when i came out here to do les miserables, i found this great little house on the hill and i bought it in the hopes that when we reconnected it would be the place we lived and raised a family, i cant wait til you see it. its just like we dreamed it would be”. ”i cant wait to see it”. i said holding john’s hand while we drove up the hill to the little house.
”come inside, ill show you around”. john said while heaven was quiet the entire time. ”heaven this will be your room, ill help you get it ready, this is our room”. john opened the door to a large master bedroom with a very large bed in the middle with a black duvet and black sheets underneath like in the new york apartment.
”heaven would you like something to eat or drink”. ”nope mom made me a bag of snacks and drinks”. she held up her backpack and smiled brightly casually watching this unfold. ”well lucy what do you want to do”. ”i am really tired i want to take a nap”. ”ok, why dont i help heaven get all set up in her room and then ill be in the bedroom to take a nap with you too”.
in the bedroom all alone i sat on the edge of the bed, i took a deep breath. is this really happening, is this real because i dont want this moment to end”. i said aloud hearing john and heaven in the room across the door. i left the door open and leaned against the wall to take off my shoes.
hearing my bare feet slapping against the hardwood floor, i took off my shirt and jeans and put them on the chair in the bedroom. now i sitting on the bed in my black matching bra and panties set. i hadent been with john only one time that night i spent the night with him in the city and now we were married.
i still felt a little flustered and scared, when i laid back in bed and pulled the blankets over me. the minute my head hit the pillow i fell into a deep sleep so deep that i didnt even know john had crawled into bed next to me.
i wraped my arms around lucy, ”is this really happening”. i asked myself holding her tightly in my arms, carefully looking down at her. sound asleep in my arms. i closed my eyes and pulled lucy in closer not wanting to let her go ever.
”heaven, come on let’s go on our daily walks”. lucy said just before dinner. ”let me get my shoes mom”. ”ok, and a sweater alright”. ”did you sleep well lucy”. ”yes i did i woke up feeling so much better about everything and anything”. ”great, i have been watching the show have you seen it”. ”yes i see the show all the time i am starting to be ready to get to the point where i want to extend the olive branch and call my sisters”. ”i can see your sisters are really hurting with out you, especially jana i know you both were close lucy”. ”she is my best friend and i miss her so much, but ive stayed in touch with my cousin amy and my aunt and grandma,who i know havent told anyone they knew where i was”. ”tell me about your life in nashville”.
”its pretty sweet i work for jack white at thirdman records, i think he already knew i would reconnect with you here because he told me before i left that if everything fell into place, he wouldnt be mad if i didnt come back like he knew it would happen”. ”i think i knew there might be a chance it would happen and i never held out hope we would find each other again”.
”nor did i and i never dated anyone in waiting and i understand your a guy and have to try to replace your feelings if you went out with someone else i wont be upset”. ”there was a girl lea michelle from glee, but we only went on a few dates, because as much as i tried and she tried she just wasnt you and i have been waiting all this time and been celebate”. heaven came back into the room and said ”mom i am ready to go now”. ”sweet let’s get our bottled water and i guess we can walk around the neighborhood”.
”jana”. i said speaking into the phone from the kitchen table, on speaker phone. ”yes who may i ask is calling”. ”jana its me lucy”. then i heard the sound of scurrying and then a door closing and locking. ”lucy”. ”jana where are you are you alright”. ”i am at home lucy where are you are you alright”. ”i am in los angeles at home with my daughter and my husband”. ”your married you have a baby”. ”she’s not really a baby she is 11 and sassy but i’ve decided to keep her”. ”i have been so worried about you its so good to hear your voice”. ”same here, its been a hard journey to get me to this point jana, but i had to make sure you are alright”. ”its been so hard for me since youve been gone, everything falls on me and i dont have anyone to talk to and to relate too anymore”. ”jana i am so sorry its hurting me too but since i have been away i have learned so much and have gotten to see the world from a new perspective”.
”lucy when can i see you again”. ”i dont know jana, there has to be some guidlines put in place before i can be fully ready to come and visit”. ”lucy please i can sneak away to see you it would be worth a cleanse and bashing if i got to see you again”. john looked at me worried and said ”what is a cleanse, that sounds serious”. ”it is serious, didnt you see the marks on my back”. i put both of my hands on the table in anger while john lifted the back of my shirt. ”jana listen, if i got you a ticket to come to los angeles do you think you could come”. ”yes lucy i’d go to see you”. ”alright i am going to send you a ticket to get on a plane to come here to see me, but i am going to give it to cousin amy because i trust her and aunt dina ok, that way there wont be any questions and no one will suspect a thing”. ”ok lucy, i love you so much please stay safe”. ”i will jana and i love you too”. i pressed the button and ended the call.
”now tell me what a cleanse is”. ”a cleanse is held at the ati church in utah, and its a 90 confessional of sins, such as going against your parents and not marrying a boy they picked for you or cavorting and insubordination, this is supposed to break your spirits and put you back on the straight and narrow and when that fails, your sent to do missionary work abroad, and if that doesnt work then your driven from the compound and excomunicated from the church but you cant go home and have to find your way in this world alone, and then its far worse. because we have no real skills and most end up on the street but for them its better the going home”. ”they did this to you lucy”. ”yes but i escaped because i told them i didnt want to go home but i saved all the money from the show in a suitcase, after i cashed my paycheck”.
”why would they put you through this”. ”because my parents caught me with you and i broke the rules by letting you touch me and kiss me and by having pre marital sex that didnt result in having a baby”. ”but there is so much more to a realtionship then just those things”. ”i know and you know that but there so crazy about being conservative and spreading their agenda, they frown on adoption and living normal lives”. ”lucy i am so glad your hear with me in the house on the hill we have always dreamed of i love you”. i put my arms around lucy in a warm passionate embrace, so hurt by what they had done to my girl.
lucy was sitting on the floor in the living room reading a magazine, i was sitting on the couch with a bottle of water and watching t.v when heaven came in and sighed. ”hi sweetheart is everything alright”. ”yes mom, but i think you and i need to have a serious talk”. ”oh really a serious talk”. she said looking at me, then back at heaven. ”ok let’s talk”. ”can we talk alone mom”. ”oh my goodness, sure let’s go outside and sit on the porch”.
”mom i am so confused by this whole thing, i know your my mom but is john really my dad or how does it work”. ”well heaven thats a good question, i suppose he can be whatever you want him to be. i just ask that your respect him like you respect me, and to love him like you love me, i dont fully expect you to trust him right away, but be nice and listen john is really smart and well spoken”. ”what do i call him, and what should i tell people when they see us out together”. ”well call him john for now and its entirely upto you to tell people what you want them to know”. ”but i think there more understanding with you being my mom because you could have had a little black girl for a daughter, but 2 white parents”. ”heaven i know its hard to grasp at first and i wont lie to you and tell you its not common or odd, but how you handle it is the most important thing to me is that you know i would never put you in a dangerous situation that i didnt think was good for the both of us, i say just give it a chance and get to know john and soon you will be crazy about him”.
walking back into the house together, lucy came back to sit on the floor only closer to me. heaven went into the kitchen and came back with three bottles of water. ”i got us some water”. ”thanks heaven, what are you going to do right now”. ”i have to do some homework mom, on the laptop”. ”oh do you want to bring it down here so i can help you with it”. ”no i have to type a report mom so ill be in my room”. ”ok heaven ill be up in a bit to check on you”.
”your sister is comming”. ”yes and cousin amy and aunt dina, there comming to see me and you and john”. i said sitting in the chair in heavens room. ”mom can i decorate my room however i want and will you help me”. ”yes of course ill help you, we can go to walmart or target and look at the things so we can decorate your room”. ”what about our house in nashville”. ”i have decided to keep it, its ours we own it we can go there for the summer it will be our home away from home”. ”cool mom i like that but i wont miss nashville, l.a is way more fun”. ”sure but nashville is our home too, anyways how is homework going”. ”i am just looking at some things online”. ”oh ok well ill leave you alone, come down if you want to talk or want a snack ok”. ”i will mom, i love you”. ”i love you too”.
”is heaven alright babe”. ”yes shes fine”. lucy said comming to sit next to me on the couch finally. ”doing homework”. ”alright, is she nervous. i get the feeling she doesnt like me or trust me”. ”she has always had trouble trusting men, since the day i met her. because she was abused by her father, we talked and i told her not to be scared or afraid and neither should you shes a great kid”. ”i like her alot and listened intently when she told us about the polly pocket thing”. ”oh yes that is one of our favorite things, polly pocket its a little compact like toy that has a thumbalina character to it. i dont think she brought it with her on the trip but its alright”. ”ill follow your lead on it and start out slow, i dont want her to be uncortable here, this is her home too”. ”slow is good, including her in our discussions and p.d.a’s and asking her about things she likes”. ”ok i will”.
in the morning, i was standing at the toaster waiting for the toast while lucy stood by the stove with heaven. ”mom your sister and cousin come today”. ”yes in a few hours heaven are you excited to see cousin amy”. ”i love it when she comes to visit us mom”. ”good me too, did you get the jelly”. heaven went to the fridge to get the jam from the side door. i put the toast on the plate and moved away from the counter to stand with lucy. ”i love breakfast”. ”i remember i am having the toast and egg white this morning”. ”did you get a chance to wash my favorite purple shirt”. ”heaven its in the wash as we speak why dont you see if its ready and put them in the dryer”. forgetting that the door is sometimes funny in the garage it slipped my mind, enjoying the moment of the three of us together in the kitchen that when heaven went off i didnt say anything about it.
the garage was pretty cool, a manequin stood bedazzled in the corner next to a large aray of power tools, the lawn mower and weed eater. all of the tools and things were neatly aranged on a peg board with a neon light over it that read ”open”. finding the dryer heaven took out the clothes from the washing machine and put them into the dryer. ”yes its just like the one in nashville ok set the timer for tumble dry, and put in a dryer sheet”. she said aloud finding it amusing. once she pushed the button the dryer roared to life and then heaven went back to the door. she turned the nob but the door wouldnt open, so she tried again only to no avail the door didnt open and now she began to panic. ”mom, mom help me please can you hear me”. she cried out desperately trying to open the door.
”heaven has been gone foe a minute”. ”oh shit lucy the door jams”. ”huh”. i put everything down and ran down the stairs to the door that leads out of the house to the garage. ”what”. ”mom please help me can you hear me”. heaven screamed with terror and panic in her voice. ”john i cant push the door open”. i cried out. ”heaven can you hear me, its alright im here”. john tried to push the door in but it was still stuck”. ”mom i can hear you help me please, i dont like being locked in tight spaces mom please”. ”hold on i am going to get you out”. ”lucy the door on the other side”. we both ran to the rolling door that was unlocked, lucy opened it and went inside. ”heaven its alright i am here” she hugged her tightly, i didnt know the door got stuck are you alright”. we both looked her over. ”yes i am alright i didnt think you would find me mom, why is it like that”. ”i am so sorry heaven i completely forgot about it, its always like that”.
”come on let’s go inside”. lucy took her back inside and sat her down on the kitchen chair. ”your alright, count to ten and take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. now look at me”. heaven looked at lucy. ”see your alright”. ”i am alright mom”. ”ok good let’s finish breakfast so we can go to the airport”. i on the other hand was so upset and shaken because i had forgotten and now knew i had to replace the door. plus i was so worried about heaven not being able to count on me, when she needed me the most.
”i am so excited to see jana and amy again”. lucy held my hand and heaven’s, we were sitting right next to each other waiting for the plane to arrive. ”let’s wait closer to the gate so she can see you when she gets closer”. i said helping lucy to her feet. at the gate, the flight was unboarding and people came out and then finally jana and amy. lucy and heaven were engaged in a discussion on the pyramids. ”i think they were built from the bottom up in water we can look up a video on youtube”. ”look is that her”. i asked touching her arm gently. lucy looked up and took off her sunglasses.
”jana”. she looked up and saw her sister then started running towards her. ”lucy”. they met in the middle of the airport and hugged so tightly. ”i missed you so much lucy”. jana spoke first pulling back to look at her big sister. ”i missed you to jana look at you”. ”your a sight for sore eyes, and as beautiful as i remember you”. ”jana come on and meet john my husband and heaven my daughter”. she brought her over to meet the 2 of us. ”honey this is my sister jana, jana this is my husband john and my daughter heaven”. ”hello jana so nice to finally meet you”. i said hugging and kissing her cheek,then heaven hugged her tightly and looked up at her. ”mom you kinda look alike”. ”sure, theres cousin amy”. amy came over and hugged lucy and heaven tightly, followed by her mother and grandmother. ”this is john my husband”. ”oh so this is the man who held you heart for such a long time huh”. ”fraid so amy come on let’s go”.
back at the house everyone was chatting and talking and getting to know me and heaven better. ”well i am an actor and singer and an artist several of my pieces are in a museum and at spago”. ”mom kim kardashian goes there, have you ever been to spago”. ”yes its really swanky pants and the food is alright toots, but i like carls jr better”. ”me too i dont really like spago either but the piece is really pretty”.
the girls all became in grossed in a conversation and cooking in the kitchen that heaven could barely keep up and sat down at the kitchen table, across from me. ”can i have an orange please” ”sure there you are”. i handed her the orange and watched her take in the scene smiling at seeing her mom happily reconnecting with her sister and cousin.
”i am going to go to my room for a little while”. i looked at the girl getting up from the table and pushing in her chair. ”wait why dont i show you some of my art”. ”i dont know”. heaven said not sure what to say or do. ”ok”. ”ill leave the door open. but i wanted to show you some of the pieces i have done”. heaven went into the room first and i lagged behind letting her see the pieces i have made and trying to figure things out on her own. ”you made all of these”. ”yes”. ”did you even make the manequin in the garage”. ”yes, no 2 pieces are alike”. ”i like the manequin in the garage why isnt she inside the house”. ”she is outside because i dont really have a place to put her in here”. ”oh i see, mom took me to the met in new york when we were there i saw a painting i really liked, a reproduction of the girl with a pearl earing, she looks so sad and alone like my mom did before she saw you again, now i see the happiness in her eyes and that smile that could light up the street lamps you really love my mom dont you”. ”i have loved her since the day we first met almost ten years ago”. heaven smiled and said ”then love at first sight and trule loves kiss does exsist”. ”it does for me and your mom, i never stopped loving her even though we have been apart for 5 years”.
”i am glad to see my mom really happy”. ”what about you heaven i know its a big adjustment for you”. ”i am alright as long as me and mom are together, i never thought i would ever get adopted but when i did it was meant to be”.
”oh there you are, we were looking for you do you want a piece of pie”. ”no mom i am going to take a nap, i love you”. ”oh alright toots i’ll see you in a little bit”. ”i love you” heaven said hugging her mom. ”i love you too”.
”kiss me, dont stop kissing me babe”. i whispered to my wife while we found sometime alone in bed. moving her leg to move up a little more she put her arm around me and kissed me, deeper and stronger. ”yes kiss me, i love kissing you”. i kept whispering, with a free hand under her shirt. she wraped a leg around me and before i knew it we had become engaged in seductive love making session.
”lucy are you alright”. ”i am fine, it was so beautiful just like i remember it to be”. ”you were as amazing as ever lucy i cant believe we waited to long to make love again”.
”jana, so let’s sit and talk tell me whats going on over there in tonitown”. ”lucy you are so brave and lucky you made a choice to get out and leave and follow your dreams”. ”not yet, jana i havent followed my dreams because i am working on making my music and playing in the symphony”. ”lucy you will be so great, but me, i have to help, jill, jessa, and jinger, with the little kids and mom had josie is 2009 around the same time makenzyie was born, and just had a misscarriage for jubilee and several boys asked me to court and dad said no because he needs me at home to take care of the little kids”. ”jana you dont have to take that you can just leave and stay here with me and john and heaven and be free, there is a reason why there is a seperation between church and state, and as a member of the aclu you have rights”. ”i am so scared of leaving i dont have any skills to get a job, but you lucy you were so smart, you wanted to go to school to better yourself what could i do”. ”you can do anything you set your mind too, maybe be a doctor or a lawyer for the aclu, or a picker and work in an antique store jana”.
”i am scared what if i have to struggle”. ”everything is a struggle if you think about it, being here is a struggle. it was a struggle to be seperated for 5 years and wondering if we would ever be together”. ”but you made it lucy your here now”. ”barely 2 weeks and i am just finding my footing and heaven is having a little trouble adjusting, oh my god jana i almost forgot i promised her i would help her fix her room”.
”oh yes, lucy let’s go should we tell john before we go”. ”john needs to be included because its going to be the three of us and i want everyone to feel comfy”.
jana and i went into the art studio. ”hey babe are you alright”. ”i forgot i promised heaven i would help her fix up her room and then jana came and amy and everyone we have to get ready to leave for target”. ”oh alright, give me about 15 minutes to get everything together”.
”ok ill meet you by the front door”. ”heaven”. i called up to her from the stairs. ”yes mom”. ”sweetie i am so sorry i almost forgot we were going to go to target to fix up your room”. ”its ok mom are we going now”. ”yes go get your shoes and socks on and meet me here in a few minutes”.
i sat on the stairs with jana who was facing me. ”your a good mother, she likes you so much”. ”i know jana, she and i met in 2008 when i got back from isreal and went to nashville, she saved my life from going home and swallowing a bottle of pills, i thank god when we do talk everyday for bring her into my life”. ”lucy you shouldnt say such a thing”. ”i was so sad when i got to nashville and if it wasnt for being at the children’s shelter and seeing all of those faces i would have killed myself i know its terrible to say but sadness can kill us if we arent careful”. jana reached out and hugged me tightly, while john finally came over and said ”where is heaven”. ”she’s getting her things together so we can leave”. heaven came down the stairs and said ”i am ready mom”. ”okie dokie then i guess we can go”.
”what do you want your room to be like, do you want it to be pink”. ”no i want it to be lavender, its our favorite color mom”. ”i know ok look at the paint sploches and tell me which one you want”. heaven picked the color and then we went over to the counter to have them mix the pain for us. once we had everything to decorated her room with. ”thank you mom its going to look so good are you going to help me painted it”. ”yes of course”.
jana was mostly quiet, the whole car ride and heaven was playing with the camera and said ”mom wanna answer questions from the facebook page”. ”yes, hit me”. ”ok the first question if from rideordiegirl: lucy will you be apart of the jersey boys movie, and second question are you ever going to be on 19 kids and counting”. ”yes i am in the movie and no plans as of yet to be on the show, its kind of up in the air as far as i havent had any real contact with my mom and dad for personal reasons but as of now no, by the way that is jana just behind my seat”.
”oh this one is for me. ”heaven when you got adopted did you want to change your name”. ”no, i like heaven angel and i like lucille my mom’s name”. ”lucy what makes you happy”. ”love, heaven, music and movies”.
”lucy have you ever done anything that wasnt in your calender”. ”sure i have, i did it 2 weeks ago”.
getting back to the house we all spent the night painting heavens room and chatting and having a good time. ”i remember that time we were playing in the yard, and daddy had that big truck and you me and josh, and jill all went up the hill to try to jump down and when i fell you stayed with me”. ”i do remember that, i also remember the first special on t.l.c and how we wore those offal prarie dresses and looked like we were from another world, and then i remember disney land when the boys left the window open and the cat got into the rv and peed everywhere, that smell is something i wont ever forget”. ”how bout the time we got to ride the helicopter and got so sick”. ”stop right there jana i dont want to talk about it”.
”remember the apartment in new york how tiny it was”. ”i do remember and whatever happened to precious”. ”precious ran out of the apartment on me and never came home, i was so heartbroken, and then i remember when i got cast in jersey boys”. ”what the show you mean i didnt know about that”. ”heres a picture of the night john and i first met during rehearsals”. i showed jana the picture in the photo album john had kept.
”mom, dad its me jana”. ”hi sweetie how is everything going with cousin amy and grandma”. ”there fine, but i am also here with lucy”. jana said while we sat together on the couch. ”lucy, is she alright how is she”. ”she is fine, lives in california mom. she is married and has a daughter”. ”oh my word, can i talk to her”. at first i shook my head and tried to push the phone away but john took the phone and nudged it into my hand. ”say something to them lucy please”. ”mom”. ”lucy that god in heaven are you alright”. ”yes mom i am fine, how are you”. ”worried sick about you”. ”you dont have to worry about me, i have taken care of myself all of these years, and i even got to record and album of my singing and playing”. ”oh my i would love to hear it sometimes, do you want to talk to dad”. ”ok”. she handed him the phone and he said ”lucy hi honey are you alright”. ”yes daddy i am fine, how are you”. ”i am alright what have you been doing with yourself”. ”i am married and have a daughter now, been married for 2 weeks to john remember you met him in new york”. ”oh lucy, i did that to protect you from the gentile’s”. ”it isnt like that dad, he is a great dude you will like him alot”. ”well ill go along with it because you have done it, are you comming for a visit”.
”maybe soon, dad just to say hello and see josie and kenzye you know, no more church and things ok”. ”i know it doesnt matter to me anymore i just want to make sure your safe and alright”. ”yes i am fine dad”.
the chat went well but in the back of my mind, i was wondering how much of it was sincere and how much was fake for the t.l.c camera’s. ”they sounded glad to hear from you”. ”no no babe dont get sucked in, i was just thinking how much is real and how much is playing up to the cameras”. ”well i still would like to see them and defend myself and you to them”. ”let’s drop in unexpectedly on them and catch them off guard”.
at first i was fine with the trip and getting on the plane with john and heaven, jana, amy and grandma and aunt dina. but as we got closer and closer i started feeling anxious and having a panic attack. ”its alright your with me and i wont let anything happen to you”. john handed me a bottle of water trying to get me to calm down. ”i know but its bringing up all the old emotions of being in that dorm and being torn apart and the cleanse and”. ”you told me about the cleanse, i will try to overlook it, but i cant promise you that if i am provoked i will go off”. ”i know, my protector”.
in the rental car with john driving, me in the front seat, jana just behind me and heaven behind john we drove to the duggar family compound in tonitown. the gate opened for us and there was the house just as i remembered it. ”it still looks the exact same”. john pulled the car up to the front door. ”i need a minute before we can go inside”. i said holding my handbag tightly in my arms trying to breathe. ”lucy look at me”. john said to me taking my hand. ”i dont know if i can do this”. ”yes you can and you will come on, i am going to get out and open the doors and your going to open the door and go inside”. john got out of the car and opened heaven’s door, then jana and then mine. he took my hand again but i hadent even taken off my seat belt. ”here let me get that for you”. i wouldnt move, ”you can do it”. john grabbed my arm and pulled carefully, i stepped out of the car and taking my hand to make sure i moved we went to the door.
”just reach out and push”. he coached me on how to open the door. i pushed the door and it opened, i felt myself walking into the dimly lit house, and then i saw my sister jill. john moved away from me to asses the house and that is when jill dropped the kids book and ran over to me. ”lucy oh my god i totally cant believe its you”. she hugged me so tightly and ran her finger through my shoulder length hair. ”hi jill where is mom and dad”. ”they are on a date night, i cant believe its you. you look amazing”. ”jill i want to introduce you to someone, this is my husband john and my daughter heaven”. ”your married now and have a daughter of your own i cant believe it, come in and see josh and his wife anna and the babies come on”. jill took my hand and lead me into the living room where everyone was having the nightly devotional and talking about scriptures.
”josh look who’s home”. everyones head nearly rolled all turning to look at me and john whos hand i must have been squeezing so tightly. ”welcome home lucy, who are all of these guys”. ”this is my husband john and our daughter heaven”. ”welcome to the family brother in law and niece, we just ate are you hungry”. ”no were fine what are you all doing”. ”reading scripture”. then 2 little girls, whom i knew must be johannah and jennifer came bounding down the stairs, they stopped dead in their tracks to stare at me for a few minutes. ”this is our big sister lucy, can you say hello”. jana said while the girls still stared at me and said ”i wanna play wif her furst”. ”you can play with her in a little bit, i am sure everyone is tired, come over and sit down please”. josh pulled up extra chairs, so we could listen to the scriptures.
”this is my wife anna, and our daughter mackenzye”. ”so very nice to meet you”. she smiled at me so brightly, and i could see a glint of the person she could be if she had been ”normal”.
”kids were home where is everyone”. i heard that same sticky sweet voice, of my mom as she walked into the living room. ”oh my what is this lucy, is that you so good to see you”. she had tears in her eyes as i stood up and hugged her. ”mom dad this is my husband john, and our daughter heaven”. ”oh my goodness look at them so handsome for words how are you both”. mom and dad hugged my little family and then we sat down at the large table.
”were so glad to hear from you are you doing alright”. ”yes mom i am fine everything is fine, we just came to let you know i am alright and i dont want or need anything from you”. ”i know lucy, and you left the church, we just hope you have found another or that”. ”no mom no more churchs or anything just family and being together, i just want you to know there is so much more to life then being governed by a man and the church, why not be equal and enjoy life, and after we leave here today i plan to put all of this behind me and i hope and pray that you continue to love me unconditionally, so you can have a realtionship with me and john and heaven, i am going to finish my degree in music and i am going to do everything i have ever wanted to do and i wont be held back”. ”were not going to hold you back from whatever you want to do lucy we just want you to be happy and if this is what makes you happy then we can be happy for you”. ”oh and one more thing, please dont be so hard on jana i want her to come and visit with me more often in the city”.
going home back to l.a was so easy and fun. we didnt get anything done really other then straight to bed.
the production on the movie was comming along and i was so proud to be apart of such a great film. but it was jana who caught me by surprise when she made her monthly visits with me.
”hey sis where are we going”. ”to the warner lot, so you can watch me be in the movie jana why”. ”i cant believe i will get to see you in a real movie”. ”yep and john too”. ”i am so excited, when will i get to hear you both sing for me”. ”today on set we are going to do the live performance of sherry in the red jackets and dress”. ”i cant wait to see it, where is john at though”. ”he left a little bit earlier then me, because he had something to take care of”. ”oh ok”.
pulling into the warner brothers lot, i parked the car and we got out. together we walked onto the set, where john and the rest of the boys were sitting in makeup waiting for us to arrive. ”got to get into my hair and makeup”. ”te vaio”. john made me crack up and start giggling. ”i see you too”. jana was looking at me in awe and respect when all of a sudden she stood up to get a soda from the table behind me. ”do you want a coke sis”. ”no soda right now have to sing live, need water”. ”ok” as she stood up and went to the table, she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw erich bergin so tall and towering over everyone. from the mirror i saw them, ”hello there” erich said making jana intimidated looking up at him so well spoken and handsome. i smiled watching the event unfold. jana looked up right at him and said ”excuse me, i need to get a drink please”. ”sure, it would be my pleasure”. erich eyes her for a moment and then watched her come back to me. jana made a face at me and i was like ”go over and talk to him”. ”i dont know how to talk to him what if he thinks i am nuts”. ”erich come over here are you done with hair and makeup”. i said starting the conversation, erich sat on the chair and pulled it up across from me. ”this is my little sister jana”. ”so nice to meet you jana, how are you”. ”fine thanks”. ”she’s a little shy but its alright erich”. ”she’s being really nice to john today too because she has something she wants to ask him”. ”oh” john perked up listening, ”sure she does”. ”go on jana”. ”i wanted to know if you would help me design the cake for josie’s birthday”. ”i would love to design it, but i am not baking it, i saw the little fiasco with amy and anna and ill pass on that”. ”ill bake it i just need help with what i want it to look like”.
josie is our baby sister and she is about 4 years old, a premie she is getting bigger by the minute. john is very skeptical of my family as am i so we try to keep everyone at an arms length and pick and choose the events we want to go to with them and try not to associate ourselves witht he church and so on.
”mom look”. heaven said showing me a baby bird that had fallen out of a nest in the tree in front of our house. ”oh no heaven, the mama is going to want her baby now so, you are going to have to take care of it for a little while before we can send it out on its own”. ”should i wrap in a towel”. ”yeah”. ”here we can put it in this little box with holes in it”. john held open the box for her and she carefully put the baby bird in. ”i have an eyedropper you can feed it with heaven”. ”this reminds me of when we found the banged up kitty in the yard in nashville”. ”i liked smokey but when was all better he went to live in a new home”.
john and i had decided to go out for a nice lunch date, because we both wanted to have a nice talk. ”i planned for us to have lunch around the corner, jana will be alright here she is still sleeping”. ”i know honey, let me put my hair up”. i put my hair in a ponytail and followed john out the door. he held my hand and stopped for a moment. ”i want to take a picture of you”. ”oh sure”. i leaned in closer and put my arms around him so we could take a picture together. ”that one is for facebook”. i smiled, and john opened the car door for me. we didnt go very far, but to a nice in and out burger in the city close to our house. sitting down at the table across from each other, i took a sip of my soda and crossed my legs. ”here are the napkins babe”. john put them in front of me and i could tell something was going on in his head. ”john what is it, is everything ok are we having a problem”. ”no no no everything is fine, i am fine your fine jana, and everyone is fine. but i wanted to talk to you about something i have had in my heart and mind since we reconnected and we have a problem that i need to run by you while we are discussing this anyways”. ”ok what happened”.
before i go any further let me explain what happened.
at first it seemed like a normal day in the house. heaven was still asleep in her room. i was in the livingroom talking on the phone to my sister jill who was telling me about her trip to brazil. john was upstairs still asleep from the night before. ”jill i am so glad your having a good time in brazil and jessa and jinger, but you havent finished telling me about what you have learned”. ”i learned alot about myself and others, i learned how to be a better woman and sister to you and our sisters and i”. ”hold on a minute i hear heaven she’s calling out to me”. i said going to the stairs and looking up for a moment still holding my cell phone in my hand. ”mom i dont feel good”. ”hold on jill let me check on heaven”. i went into her room, and her face was soft of pale, i put my hand on her forhead ”your burning up kid”. ”i dont feel so good mom”. ”you sound bad kid we may have to go to urgent care”. ”let me get you some ice to cool you down and i cant get you some tylenol that would break the fever”. she went back in bed and i went downstairs. i put my phone on the counter, and got out the tylenol and turned on the tea kettle.
”heaven i think we should go to the doctor you sound terrible”. john said when i got back to the room looking heaven over. ”i hate the doctors and hospitals mom i dont want to go”. ”i know princess but if this gets worse you will have to go”. i gave her the medicine and let her sleep for a little while longer, but i could tell she was getting worse so i decided to drop everything i was doing at the last minute and take her to the urgent care clinic.
everything went well and as far as i knew we were covered by john’s insurance and shouldnt have to worry about anything.
”remember when we took heaven to the urgent care”. ”yes she had pnuemonia and scared me half to death”. ”yes well i had put the both of you on my insurance, but i just got off the phone with the insurance company and they told me you are covered but heaven is not covered because she is not my daughter”. ”what that is crazy sure she is, you both get along great its been 6 months”. ”that is not what i mean, i mean she doesnt have my name and isnt legally on paper as my daughter”. ”what do they want a blood sample i mean its not really none of their business”. ”well its something i have thought about for a while now anyways since we got married and joined our lives, but i want to ask you what you think about me also adopting heaven”. ”i say yes, but the real question is i think you should ask heaven too its her life too and i have noticed how much she is getting closer to you and being more comfy around you too”. ”i have noticed it too lucy, even including me in the videos”. ”yes and the friends are loving it too, i got to chat to a few of them in the comments of my youtube channel”. ”i liked the video of the 2 of you in nashville at the grand ole opry”. ”did you babe”. ”i did i watched it while you and heaven were tending to the baby bird”. ”oh yes after the box you made for her, what else did you see on our channel”.
”i saw a lot, make up tutorials and how to fix hair, i also saw the video from christmas at thirdman records and i saw jack, he really likes you”. ”yeah i miss jack and thirdman records but i wont lie, i like being here with you and heaven and making this movie far more”. ”good, let’s go home my love”.
harliequinndom 